Holding On To You..

I have to read the essay tomorrow. What the fuck am I going to do...

2012-02-15T19:34:00.001-06:00

Option 1: Cut later tonight... or really early tomorrow... maybe get some sleep, and at the ceremony thing I won't be as nervous.
-Consequence: Breaking my clean streak.

Option 2: Cut later tonight/early tomorrow, go too far and bleed to death. I won't be at the ceremony tomorrow.
-Consequence: Breaking my clean streak.

Option 3: Don't cut at all, stay up all night obsessing over it, and freak out before the ceremony and run away.
-Consequence: Embarrassment, withdrawal.

Option 4: Don't cut at all, stay up all night obsessing over it. Freak out before the ceremony, run away, cut in the bathroom, come back appearing to be stoned (it is a drug) and read the essay unintelligibly. Fuck the whole thing up.
-Consequence: Embarrassment, breaking my clean streak.

Option 5: Don't cut at all. Sleep is unlikely. Burn myself in the bathroom shortly before the ceremony. Burning doesn't have the same effect as cutting, so I won't be as 'stoned' afterward, but like.. buzzed.
-Consequence: Kind of breaking my clean streak.

Option 6: Text you. Make you stay up with me while I cut so I can get the high but have you there so I won't go too far. Maybe get some sleep. At the ceremony I won't be as nervous.
-Consequence: Bothering you, breaking my clean streak.

I've already decided I don't want to cut at all. There's too much risk... 1, 2, and 6 are out. I do not want to bother you once more... 6 is definitely not an option. I don't want to fuck up the essay, so 3 and 4 are out.

Five it is.

I love you, goodbye.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

2012-02-13T22:07:00.001-06:00

You told me you love me like a month ago and did nothing to make me think otherwise and here I am convinced you hate me.
This is what goes through my head:

"You fat ugly bitch, he never cared about you. Why would he? You're hideous. Nobody likes hideous people, you dumbass. Remember that night in June when he said pretty much everything about you is amazing? He is a fucking liar. You're just a sucker for a sweet-talker. You know he is the biggest asshole you've ever met, and your dumb ass is thinking he's perfect, what the hell is wrong with you? He doesn't want you to stop cutting. He loves to know you're suffering. He thinks you're a fat, hideous, annoying, fake whore. He never cared about you. Remember when he got hacked over the summer and told Kari you were an annoying whore? He didn't get hacked. He was the one saying shit to you and other people. He's an asshole, and you know it. He deserves to die. You deserve to die you disgusting slag. You know you want to bleed. It's the only thing you want. You're going to die. The blood is going to come out of your wrists softly and slowly, it's going to hurt like hell, and you're going to love it. He will dance on your grave. The wicked witch is dead. There's no one in the world like Emily. How you act is complete fucking bullshit. You'll never be good enough for that faggot or anyone else. Go kill yourself. Everyone hates you you fucking ugly cunt."

It makes sense. But I'm fully aware I'm not supposed to believe it, and you're the (only) one who can get me not to.

All alone, the way she feels.

2012-02-12T20:54:00.001-06:00

She's upset
Bad day
Heads for the dresser drawer to
Drive her pain away
Nothing good can come of this.
She opens it there's nothing
There is only left over tears
Mom and dad had no right she screams
As the anger runs down both of her cheeks.

Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows she cries

All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Bite the lip, just forget the bleeding

Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows she cries

Curled up she's on the floor
Relief left her she had hoped for something more
From it (hoped for something more)
From it
He leans down to comfort her
She is weeping and He
Wraps His arms around
And around and around and...
The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse

Now she's slowly opening...
New eyes...

Then she opened her eyes
And found relief through His life
And put down her knives

Then she opened her life
And found relief through His eyes
And put down
She put down her life

Hey, wait, I got a new complaint.

2012-02-12T19:57:00.001-06:00

I was in bed for 20 hours..not sure if that means I was tired or depressed..
I miss you. You're like a drug, you are. The good kind. I have the pain, that tells me I'm no good, I'm a fucking failure, no one loves me, the people who are most important to me hate me, I'm ugly and fat and I have no future, I deserve to die, and gives me nightmares, and tells me that if I give in that will all go away for a little bit. Then I have you, who tells me I am good enough and you do love me and I'm not ugly and fat and you always gets rid of the pain.. both kinds, because if I don't have one I'm way less likely to have the other. Always.
I wish you'd text me. I wish we were still close enough where I could text you pretty much any time and you'd reply immediately. I wish I didn't feel like I bother you.
Goddamn, I wish I didn't love you. I wish you didn't save my life that night in March, or May, or June, July, or October. I wish I didn't trust you. I wish I didn't miss you. I wish you weren't so fucking perfect. I wish we were back to how we used to be; both of us, happy.
I love you, goodbye.

Shitty day.

2012-02-09T19:30:00.001-06:00

I won the Engage essay thingy. I'd be proud of myself but I have to read it out loud at the ceremony next Thursday. Why can't I ever be proud of anything I do? Every other time I had to speak publicly I cut the night before because if I didn't, I'd freak out and run away before I could start. And if we have to present something that I wasn't prepared for, I can't do it. I cannot fucking do it. Why am I such a nervous wreck. Why does public speaking terrify me so badly?
In second hour, people wouldn't shut up, as usual. Shane, Jonathan, Ajla M., Angie, Sandin, Almir, Jake T., Michael, Jake H., and Lindsey. Fuck you all.
In third hour, I couldn't concentrate. People are such fucking idiots. In advisory, people wouldn't shut up. Again. In sixth hour I got a friggin 5% on my math homework, and I couldn't concentrate because I can't stand 80% of them. In seventh hour people wouldn't shut up. Again. Today was just my pet peeves multiplied and cubed a few hundred times. Then, Katie M. 'challenged' me to play a song because she wants to be second chair in symphonic band instead of me. She's third chair. It's one fucking chair. She's been above me forever. Let me feel good at something, goddamn. I don't care if she beats me, just.. Really. I'm one chair above you. Deal with it. -.-
I don't know what I'm gonna do.. I have nothing to look forward to. I feel like I'm losing you again..

What if...

2012-02-09T17:57:00.001-06:00

...we stop talking in high school?
...I never get my best friend back?
...you're never happy?
...I never stop wanting to hurt myself?
...you were lying about everything?
...I push you away?
...Kelly moves to Nerinx for high school?
...I lose all my friends?
...you never want to talk to me?
...I never get to mean something to you?
...we're never the same?
...you did miss me?
...you thought about me as much as I think about you?
...you never really cared about me?
...you're a whore who likes to fuck with people's feelings?
...you leave again?
...we lose whatever closeness we still have?
...you never text me again?
...I never get over this?
...I always love you?

p e r f e c t i o n . . . < 3

2012-02-08T17:56:00.001-06:00

You're so perfect.
Even though you obviously aren't. I think you're perfect.
You disagree.. oh well.
You are perfect.
I've hurt a lot because of you and I still think you're absolutely p e r f e c t .
You must be something special.
To me, anyway.

2012-02-07T17:28:00.001-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnRX6NSEqQI&sns=em

I love you too.

2012-02-07T17:21:00.001-06:00

"Keep this saved.
I love you. I want you to always remember that. I will never hate you, I will always care about you. I will always try to help you whenever I can and you will always be more than good enough." 1/16/12; 10:00pm.
<3

I could bleed for a smile, I could cry for some fun.

2012-02-07T00:01:00.001-06:00

I just had one of my infamous freak-outs. In the more severe ones, I hallucinate (as well as shake and cry uncontrollably) and feel.. I dunno.. trapped? And usually end up cutting to stop all of that. I almost never remember the whole thing.
Tonight, my heart started pounding..I know what that always leads to.. so I stayed in the same spot against the wall in my room where I always go when this happens, crying, shaking, and wanting to cut so badly.. It's the worst feeling in the world. No hallucinations, woo. Listening to music calmed me a little like it always does. You, on the other hand, can make me feel 100% better with one fucking text message. You + music = happiness. I didn't actually get to talk to you, but I read old texts over and over and they eventually worked a little more.. enough to make me stop crying.
Thank you<3

2012-02-06T17:05:00.001-06:00

This is when I get paranoid and think you're never going to talk to me again, sigh. This happens a lot when we haven't talked for like a week, but it happened sooner because you never replied last time.
I'm texting Nermina, so when she replies my phone says "New txt message Nermina Ferkic" and from a distance it always looks like "Patrick Smith." I'm changing her name to just Nermina. No more getting my hopes up ._.
Love you.. mostly..

From 12/26/11

2012-02-05T17:06:00.001-06:00

I wrote this the day after Christmas. It's directed at anyone except Patrick; this is how I'd explain it to a therapist or some shit.
-On Christmas at about 12:30am, he told me “goodnight(:” for the first time in about half a year.<3-
There is this guy I go to school with. He’s quiet at school and not one of those people who attracts attention (although he got my attention on the first day of seventh grade). Today is the day after Christmas and we are in eighth grade. At the end of seventh grade (April-May) we started talking a lot. He made me happy just by talking to me. We became like best friends and I wasn’t hurting myself anymore because psychologically, I didn’t want to. Occasionally I would get the urge to cut because I still felt the physical need to. Keep in mind that at this time I was happy and had the best guy friend in the world but my body was still addicted to self-harm and suffered from withdrawal. When this happened I would freak the fuck out and start shaking and hallucinating. These symptoms would go away as soon as I hurt myself, I knew. I was always in danger of killing myself because it was hard to control. Sometimes I came home from school feeling this need and would be thisclose to cutting when he would text me and immediately I wouldn’t want to cut anymore. It’s amazing, the effect he has on me. If you haven’t already figured it out I am in love with him, not that he feels the same or ever will. But in all honesty that’s okay, because he doesn’t need to be my boyfriend to make me happy. I hate when my friends tell me I should ask him out or try to convince me he likes me, because 1) I am/was already happy enough being friends with him-why would I want to ruin that? And 2) I’ve already accepted that I’m not exactly attractive enough for anyone to like me, much less the guy I’m in love with. He could make me forget about hurting or killing myself with just one text message. For example, one day I was walking home from the bus stop feeling more depressed than ever so I stayed on the busy road on which I always got dropped off after school. I left my backpack on the sidewalk and walked slowly across the street repeatedly, hoping I would get hit by a car… ("Another complicating suicide, and it’s the same old trip, the same old trip as before.") I jumped in front of a few cars hoping they wouldn’t slow down in time, but they always did. I was just sitting down on the sidewalk thinking of other places I could go when I felt my phone vibrate in my right pocket. Out of habit I pulled it out and discovered it was a text from him. Knowing he had thought about me and wanted to text me was enough to make me want to live.

c:

2012-02-05T16:39:00.001-06:00

We have a little inside joke involving this motherfucker. On Easter (2011) you told me about Pennywise.. we associated it with the c: face that you found equally creepy.. lmfao.. and uh, pedo bear clowns? .... I'm not sure where that came from but Pennywise = c: = pedo bear clown, as of 4/24/11 <3

<3

2012-02-05T15:53:00.001-06:00

(I copied this from my other blog that no longer exists.)

Well, I love you. I think that just about sums it up. You are perfect. You think you're a shitty person. I disagree. You have got to be the most amazing person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try. You're fucking hilarious, smart, and just everything about you is amazing. You're so awkward. <3 I love pretty much everything about you. You are the reason I'm still alive, and I can't thank you enough. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here. You make me so happy. You've kept me from cutting so many times with just one text message. You are my everything and I trust you with my life. I miss when we talked all day every day. I miss getting good morning/good night texts from you every day. I miss your smile. I miss my best friend. I miss your hugs more than anything...

I miss you.

•Advantages
-When you text me, it pretty much guarantees I'm not going to cut for a day or two, which is amazing.
-You've saved my life 5 times directly. I love you for that. Well I already did...
-You make me happy.
-You give me a reason to not cut.
-You are my goddamn life support.
-You're the best guy friend in the world. I love you.
•Disadvantages
-We don't talk as much anymore.
-I miss your hugs more than anything.
-You and Alex are like bffs now. I hate that, because it reminds me of what I used to have.
-You're unhappy. You don't deserve to be anything less than happy.
-I know you're unhappy, and sometimes I think about it too much and make myself physically sick. I think about the possibility that you cut yourself again, and become suicidal and push everyone away, things along those lines, and I can't take it.

What happened to, "I love you best friend..goooodnight(:"

1/25/12 Kelly wants me to stop talking to you. I can't do that. There is nothing anyone can say to convince me to stop talking to you. I need you. I can't give you up and cutting. Cutting can kill me. You can't.. or.. you wouldn't literally murder me. I need to get over this before I get over you.

1/26/12 We talked last night. I told you about what Kelly said and explained why I wasn't going to listen to her. You said I shouldn't.. good. There is no way I'm going to stop talking to you, and there's nothing anyone could say to convince me otherwise. You mean everything to me and you are the biggest reason I have to stop cutting. I need you to help me with this. Kelly won't appreciate it.. But there's no way in Hell I'll do what she says. I love you..
Today in third hour we had to read our poems out loud and yours was about lightning, destroying everything it touched, or "came into contact with." Hmm.. "I've ended up hurting everyone I've come into contact with. I'm a shitty person." <\3 it still sickens me that you're something less than happy. I told you about that too. How I couldn't imagine what I'd do without you, and how I worried you'd cut yourself again. You reassured me like always.. I love you so much. But you're still unhappy <\3
"I have a growing list of problems. I get distracted and upset and barely talk to anyone anymore. I think so much that I want to just die. To the point where I'm about to just breakdown in front of everyone...and that's when I just kinda stare off or put my head down..so I can just..recollect myself. I'm a fucking mess." <\3 I want to help you so badly.
We talked tonight too. I think you fell asleep. I want above everything for you to be happy. Next is for everything to go back to how it was, for us to be how we were - when everything was just absolutely perfect. You were mainly happy then too. I miss your happiness. I miss my happiness. I miss our happiness that resulted from our friendship. I don't want to lose whatever closeness we have left. I don't want you to be sad. I want you to believe me when I say I'll never cut again. At this point I'd do nearly anything for you. I wish so much that I could make you happy. I love you..

Into the ways again I go, holding onto you. I found a way to make it through, by holding onto you.

What if I told you that I think you're perfect?

2/2/12 You texted me Tuesday and yesterday.. <3 we didn't talk for very long Tuesday but.. <3 you always make me feel so much better. It's pathetic. Yesterday you brought up the band From First To Last and I was like.. sigh. And I told you to pick a different band because the song "Emily" reminds me of you on complicated levels...

"...She's simple yet confusing
Her sparkling eyes make me weak at my words, they tremble
Days seem like years in this month of December
The winter coldens me for I have yet to sleep
And never will I give up trying 'cause you're everything to me
I hope it's something worth the waiting
It's the only time that I ever feel real
'Cause thunder storms could never stop me 'Cause there's no one in the world like Emily, There's no one in the world like Emily."
It reminds me of you and Emily D., (From Kentucky) and I told you that. It reminds me of what I used to have. I regret bringing up that song, goddammit. I cried so much when you said it reminds you of her. Because there's no one in the world like Emily.
I've never met her, but you've told me about her, and we seem almost exactly alike, which makes me feel horrible, because you have so many more feelings toward her than me. Because there's no one in the world like Emily. I don't usually get jealous, but to have that clearly stated... I hate that. It seems like I should be mad at Emily for meaning that much to you when I don't but I'm just mad at myself for not meaning that much to you. I don't have anything against her... she seems awesome. But I will obviously not "always be more than good enough," be one of your "favorite people in the world" (like I used to), or be "one of the most amazing people" you know. Like I used to. <\3
I'm crying my eyes out at the moment. I miss you so much. I miss you so much. I miss you so much. I miss our friendship. I miss being important to you. I miss your smile. I miss your hugs... so much. <\3
I wish you'd text me.

Please text me.
I need you now.
Please.

I gave in and texted you. At least you didn't ignore it.. I'm not completely sane at the moment..I'll have to go back and edit the spelling on this later.. I hate myself for all of this..I wish you were happy..I'm not gonna remember this. If I do I'll be amazed.
There's no one in the world like Emily.

Sigh. I think you fell asleep. You used to stay up all night with me when I was upset.. You did help a little though. I'm still all paranoid but I'm actually fully conscious now.. thank you. <3
I don't remember texting you.. surprise. But I'm glad I did.

2/3/12 You didn't reply at all after you presumably fell asleep.. it was kind of early though.. I feel like you're ignoring me again..

Hanging out with Mackenzie, Kelly, Angel, Jack, and Hunter. I'm so out of it. Please text me..

Again.. please.

What if you're ignoring me again..? <\3

What part of 'I need you' don't you understand?

2/4/12 I feel like I'm losing you again...

2/5/12 I miss your hugs more than anything..
•First time: after third hour; I had been nervous and shaking throughout the class, and you tried to calm me down… Sigh. We were walking out of the class and you said, “So what’s wrong..?” I didn’t want to explain about the withdrawal in the middle of the hallway, so I just said, “I need a hug.” Yeahh.. I got a hug.
•Second time: the following Monday, before first hour. When we were talking over the weekend you said you'd try to give me 100 hugs before the school year ended (which was in a week). After the bell rang, you stopped at my locker and gave me a hug. Me = happy. <3
•Third time: before first hour, in the eight minutes we have in the morning between the first bell and tardy bell. The hallway was virtually empty. Emilea and I were walking up and down the hall as we usually did and you were walking to your first hour. As we passed you pulled me into a hug I did not want to end. When it did we went to class but I was way too excited to sit still so me and Emilea went walking through the hall until the bell rang. We passed three of our teachers and Mrs. Rivera told me, “That big ol’ hug you gave Patrick? Not here at school, okay?”…<3
•Fourth time: A few days later, after third hour. We were walking out together and you said, “So… Mrs. Rivera’s not here…” -hug- that one was so sweet.. Then Joe, who was walking behind us asked us if we were dating. You said “No..” “Oh. You should.” Haha. I wish. (Kind of, not really. I was happy enough.)
•Fifth time: last day of school. This one makes me sad to think about because it was the last one and the last time I saw you in person (until eighth grade and before I fucked everything up). You hugged me after everyone in our eighth hour was finished with finals. You stepped on my foot. It awkwardly made me happy. You awkwardly made me happy. I love you..